Apparently it’s been about 4-½ years since I wrote my last blog post! I can’t even believe it. So, when I say this post has been a long time coming, I’m not kidding! I wonder if some of you are thinking I disappeared off the face of the earth!? It has been 5 years since I released my first album, Unraveling. I’m excited to be able to say that my second album, Roots, is very close to being ready to release out into the world! I’ve been wanting to tell you about the journey behind the album (and these past 5 years) for some time. But, I have to admit that the journey has not always been very easy or fun. With the release of the album getting so close, I just can’t put it off any longer. It’s time.
Releasing all the things Unraveling (the album, the book, the coloring book, speaking events, etc.) was a dream come true for me. It was such a beautiful time of discovering what it looks like to live in harmony with God. It was so very apparent to me that the work I was doing was meant to be. I was made for it. I was living out my life-long calling. Finally! Things were going really well…until they weren’t. It was like I’d hit a sudden roadblock. I was ready to keep going. I was making plans for “Girls Night Out” events where I would go to different churches or Bible study groups to share my Unraveling story. I had mini workbooks designed and a whole program worked out for a fun evening for women to reconnect with their creativity, their Maker, and even their friends and family. Then COVID hit. And we all know what happened next. Everything came to a halt.
Even at the end of the last album I knew that my next album would be called Roots. I knew it would be about abiding in Christ. It would be about all things plant and garden. It has been a theme I’ve been focusing on for years and years now. I wasn’t prepared for how real the theme would feel to live through. That roadblock felt more like a weed-wacker chopped off my blooming head!
We talk about blooming so often. It’s so easy to see a flower blossom and give thanks for its beauty. It brings me so much joy when spring comes and the flowers bloom right before your eyes. This was my experience in the spring of 2020. I was one of the crazy people who started mountain biking that spring. Even with all the hard things we were going through as a world in the throes of a pandemic, I was blessed to get to go out to the Turkey Springs trails to ride and watch as nature did its thing. It was such a stark contrast to what I was feeling inside. My dreams felt like they just died before my eyes and yet nature knew how to keep going. The flowers got more brilliant every time we got outside. It was so beautiful!
The past few years have been a practice in holding that tension between the beauty of life and the cold reality of death. In John 12:24 Jesus says, “ Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” I’m sure Jesus was talking about His death and resurrection. He knew the plan was that He had to die. But, He also knew that He would be raised to life and glory. I wonder if in verse 26 He’s giving us a hint that to follow Him might just require following Him into deaths of our own. As I reflect on my life over these past few years, I can see many little examples of death and resurrection.
I can’t help but think of the long winter (especially since this winter seems to just keep going on and on…) when the wildflowers that used to bloom so beautifully in the spring are now buried under so much snow! Their seeds are buried deep and break open in a kind of death. There is so much going on in the depths of the earth. Things we cannot see and rarely even think about. The death of a seed. The roots break through the outer shell and spread into the soil where it can find nourishment. The roots are working hard to build the foundation for the right time when the stem can start to break through the earth and stretch into the light. The leaves stretch out and absorb the warmth and the buds start to magically appear. All of these things must happen for the beautiful flower to bloom.
The death of some of my Unraveling dreams has led to a season of wrestling for deep, abiding life where my roots of faith go so deep that someday when I reach the surface “much fruit” might be produced. This coming Roots album is going to be full of songs that tell of the journey that has felt like being buried underground like a wildflower seed. Before I can even hope to think of any fruit coming from this journey, I wanted to share some of that “roots under-the-surface” journey with you here.
At some point during the past 5 years I got super jaded about church. This is a difficult thing to talk openly about, even though I know I’m not the only one… I have been involved in church leadership with women’s ministry, Bible study and worship leading for at least a decade. But, at some point during 2021 I just couldn’t do it anymore. I knew that my heart was not in the right place and I needed to take a step back and re-evaluate. It’s weird, it was like 2020 was difficult but I was keeping it together okay and then 2021 hit me and I totally fell apart. It felt like yet another thing in my life that God was letting die. I never came to a point of turning away from God Himself. I always felt secure in knowing that God was what I was after. I knew that Jesus was the One I needed more than anything. I think maybe I had allowed the activity of church things to take the place of God Himself, and He graciously gave me space to prune that idol away. It felt like what I had was this little seed of faith that was grounded in Jesus and I kept praying that God would let it grow. And He is. He is growing my faith very slowly but steadily. One of the things that is sustaining me through these slow years of growth is knowing that “The joy of the LORD is my strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10). Even through the hard times when I have felt like God has stripped away things I used to hold so dearly, I know in my deepest heart of hearts that God’s joy is holding me together. I have begun to serve at church again but my heart is forever changed. I pray that the deeper roots of God’s joy will sustain me for whatever ways He has me serve both now and in the future.
This is a lengthy update, but I guess that’s what roots are like. My hope is to be transparent in sharing the deep places where this album is coming from so the fruit it bears would be good fruit in your life. I hope that by sharing some of my dark places maybe you can relate and feel less alone in your dark places. I got a shirt recently that says, “Hope is making a comeback.” My desire is that this album would stir up our hope. I pray that as I release the album it would be like reaching up out of the earth and into the light and that I can hold your hand in mine so we can rise up together. It has been a long winter of growing deep roots. But, friends, SPRING IS COMING!
Much Love,
Denise